Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
