i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
