take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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