Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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