I wish life had little blips of pornography
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize