well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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