On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
