She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My liver just had a heart attack.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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