if you like me you must not know who I am
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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