haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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