just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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