i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I want a musical about memes.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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