What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
