I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
