Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
