So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
