Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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