he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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