When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
