woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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