My hand turned me down
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
