I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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