if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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