U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
