I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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