Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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