When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
