I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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