My sheets look like a crime scene.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
