He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
