I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
