well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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