So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
