I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I hate all girls vehemently.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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