you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
