no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
