I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize