does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
