I hate your face
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
