Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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