My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
