im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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