Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
