a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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