who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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