I hate your face
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
