you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
