I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Ketchup is God's man juice
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
