guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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