Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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