my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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