the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
