My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
