It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
