omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
