I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
All the doctor said was why
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
