Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
