Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
