Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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