Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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