I wanna passion pit in your ass
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I need to stop coming to work sober
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
