I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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