This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
