I cannot find my penis.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
