there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
