I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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