: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
