The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
