Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
